It’s been 822 days. 27 months. 117 weeks. Too many hours.
April 16, 2018, I signed my first piece of adoption paperwork. Going into it I was told to expect anywhere from 18-24 months, barring complications. Hahaha if only I could have predicted just how many “complications” the devil would concoct! But, our Father has already won this war on adoption. He did so when He sent His Son.
As a line from a well loved song (Praise You in This Storm- Casting Crowns) says,
“And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm…”
Although, kneeling at my bedside tonight weeping, these words are so hard to believe. So hard to hold onto. Every line of this song is what my heart is screaming tonight. Adoption is hard. Adoption is death to self, in its purest form. I cannot imagine anything so death provoking as this journey has been, and I was a nun! *trying to find humor in this truth. I keep telling my spiritual father that, “God just wants a little more death from me.” But I am at the point where I don’t have much more to give to Him.
822 days ago, I planned on having my daughter in my arms at this point. At least, I prayed for that. I prayed that I would at least be waiting for travel. His plan is perfect. His plan is uniquely His, because I would be nowhere near where I am if we did things my way. I am trying to trust Him and His perfect will…but friends, I am struggling.
Last Wednesday I got an email that I have waited eleven months for. 11 months! Nearly half of the whole adoption process, thus far. I was waiting for a step called, Approval. I was approved, in India, to request a child’s files and pursue a match with her. I haven’t experienced that much joy in many years. For eleven months I had checked my emails several times a day. FINALLY, the word approval. What took me 11 months, only took some families 1-3 months. It was agony!
Minutes after receiving approval I had my agency pull a file of the most precious little girl. Having reserved her file, I was able to ask for updated medicals and evals, I was able to get opinions from medical professionals here, etc. I have 30 days to discern if I am called to match with her. I am convinced this is who the Lord has called me to love.
The past week I have done so much praying, planning and sitting in awe. Finally, after so many delays (Covid being a MAJOR setback) things seemed like they would pick up. Earlier I got an email letting me know that India is talking about going back into a period where international adoption processes are frozen. So I would not be able to proceed to matching and getting the next major steps out of the way. There is still a chance I can match before we are stalled, due to Covid. But this email sent my heart into a nose dive.
Finally I had been breathing freely. I had been lifted with such excitement and hope. Tonight I sit here, battling defeat and unending faith. Which way will my heart lean? It is so easy to sit here and ask why. To sit here and scream at God. “I have waited 11 months! I have given so much of myself, my time, other’s time, etc. I have waited so long, Abba. How can you give this gift to me for a week, and maybe rip it away again? What about Baby girl? I have seen videos and pictures. I have fallen in love. How long will you allow Covid to rule adoption? How long will this little one go without the love of family and security?”
Friends, the storm is RAGING! Covid has wreaked havoc throughout the world. People here are worried about whether or not we are wearing a mask or not. People here are bashing people who got financial support, when they did not. My heart breaks for what we have all done to this beautiful gift of life, recently. We are SO well off, friends. Third world countries, India, are being slammed.
I lived there. I can only imagine what a pandemic is doing to India and her people. My heart breaks at the thought. There are SO MANY PEOPLE there. I don’t know how to describe it to those who have never been. Just trust me, its a LOT. Most of this time, they have been in lock down. Literally confined to their homes. No coming and going. No sitting at friends, to get out for a bit. And Covid is rearing its ugly, invisible head and doing so much harm.
So, while this halt to adoptions is so hard to swallow, I know it is needed. My heart is breaking for these people who have so much less than we do to live on, to protect themselves with, to sanitize with, etc. It’s a whole other world out there. Pray with me for our world. Pray for people’s hearts to be filled with compassion and love for their neighbor. Pray with me for an end to violence and rioting. Pray with me for wisdom and direction in the hearts of those who lead their countries through these tumultuous, and uncharted waters.
As I sit here trying to make my jumbled feelings make semi-sense, the Veggie Tales song: God is Bigger than the Boogie Man, is on repeat in the back of my mind. It’s super random because I haven’t heard or seen Veggie Tales in many many years. But that line is true: God is bigger than the boogie man! He’s bigger than Godzilla or the Monsters on TV. Oh, God is bigger than the boogie man, and He’s watching out for you and me.” Friends, He’s so much bigger. He has already conquered this storm. The storm of Covid, and the personal storms we all have raging inside of our hearts.
Keep the faith! Carry on with doing His work. Let Him in to do the work He has planned. The results will be stupendous. There is no conquering our burdens without the pain of going through to the other side!
Thanks for those who chose to read and listen to the rambling of my heart! 🙂 I hope that I can share the news soon that I have, in fact, matched with a little one.
May the Angel’s be your Guardians, and the Saints your friends! +