Well, how are you doing this week? Is coffee still working to help you function? Not for me. The days all blend together. I’m not sure there’s much of a difference right now between weekdays and weekends. My sleep pattern has been all over the place. Those around me are being affected in so many ways by this Covid-19 Pandemic, that it hurts to watch. My heart longs for “normal.”
What is normal? Working a Mon.-Fri., 8am to 3:15pm job? Getting up every day at 5:30 am and going to bed at 10? Is it going to Church on Sundays? Is it attending your kiddos sporting events all weekend and running errands in between? Is it the chaos of kids needing rides here and there, or to sleepovers, last minute home work sessions? What about late night emergency runs to Walmart for the birthday snack you forgot to prepare for tomorrow?
For what feels like eons (has it only been 9 weeks of this?), our schedules and daily life have been turned upside down. What felt like overnight, our kiddos schools were closed, we were given telecommuting positions at work; and sadly enough many of us were left unpaid and unemployed. All at the drop of a hat. Just wham! Stop! Freeze! “Normal,” was no more. These weeks have been filled with SO MANY emotions. SO MANY struggles, setbacks, stressers, etc. Some of these weeks were filled with joy, too!
For me, I have struggled with wondering what my students are all feeling and thinking. I worry their needs aren’t being met. We had so little time to prepare and plan. Everything was learned and discussed on a day to day basis. What are they thinking about us? Do they think we stopped caring? Do they think we are mad at them? Do they even miss being with us?
For those of my readers who may be unaware, I am an instructional assistant and a behavior therapist. I work at a private charter school for children with Autism and other needs. We do a lot of ABA (applied behavior analysis) throughout their entire day. Our kiddos are such a gift, and my heart has wept many times because I long to be with them again.
I want to practice colors, reading, writing, etc. I want to dance and joke around with the students and staff. I miss seeing my work buddies on a daily basis. I miss the sounds of all my kiddos stimming, and just living a carefree life. Man, those were the days! I hate to admit it…but I even begin to miss the moon song. I warn you not to listen to it, unless you want something even more catchy and *at times* more annoying than the MICKEY MOUSE CLUBHOUSE SONG, stuck in your head!
I miss community! I miss fellowship and praising the Lord with other people. I miss physical touch. I miss being able to make eye contact without feeling like I just broke some unspoken law. I want to go to the store and sit at a coffee shop. I want to walk somewhere other than the local cemetery (although I recommend it for those looking for a quiet and peaceful place to pray while walking/running). I want things to be “normal” again, so my adoption can continue moving forward.
These weeks have been hard on my heart. Experiencing Holy Week and Pascha, without receiving the Paschal Lamb was TORTURE! Feeling like our world is just functioning by fear and blind trust in man, was such a hard and bitter pill to swallow. I want to be able to show up at an empty Church and feel free to sit where ever…to be comfortable with the Lord. I NEED the Eucharist. It’s been too long.
I sit here, alone and stare at my future child’s empty room and weep. I mourn for yet more time passing without any movement. I wonder if they’re being loved on, or just sitting somewhere in a crib…forgotten and alone. I look into that room and imagine bedtime routines, tiny heart prayers from the innocent mouth of a child and waking in the night to comfort them when they have a need. Yet, due to Covid, India is on lock down. Adoptions are halted. No one knows when things will open and be functional again. And my heart is so broken.
Two years. Two years ago I began this adoption journey. I was told then, and had accepted, that it would not be an easy journey. Satan abhors adoption…so I will literally fight hell to get to my child. This experience has broken, stretched, blessed, wounded and called me to something more. It has called me to a deeper awareness of love. Sacrifice has a whole new meaning. So does being a parent.
The reality that I have yet to see my child’s face, and still love them so deeply it hurts…geeze! What will I do when I see their face for the first time?! Every adoption journey is unique. Some fly through the process…while some (like me) end up in hold up after hold up. I had a close friend ask me the other evening, “…and you’re sure that you’re supposed to do this. Maybe all of these hurdles are God blatantly telling you that He doesn’t want this.” I see their reasoning. I know their desire to protect me and be leery of the depth of this calling to adopt.
But, friends! The Father predestined us for adoption! Every child deserves to know the love and safety of having a family. Every child deserves to experience a life of joys, pains, lessons and success. The Father wants this adoption. Satan does not! But Christ has already conquered the world. I know it will happen in His perfect timing. Even in the knowing, the waiting is so hard!
If you are waiting for something from Him, persevere! Tell Him what you need. Ask Him to open your ears to hearing His still small whisper. As I sat here this evening and prayed, I asked for this chaos to leave the crevice of my heart. “Normal” is no more. I have resolved to want something even better! I want this experience to have taught me lessons. I appreciate that it has allowed me the experience of thirsting for Him. What new “normal” are you being called into? Let go of the old. Put on the new!
Thank you for reading my rambling thoughts. I hope and pray you are well.
May the Angels be your guardians, and the Saints your friends!+