As we entered into this blessed season of Christmas, my heart was burdened. I rejoiced in the birth of the Christ Child, but I also had great anxiety at the 20+ weeks of waiting I have done, for approval from India. During these many weeks I have gone crazy when communication with my agency has been lacking, when I get a call from an unknown number, when I check my emails at 4am…just praying that I see an approval email, or even more so when I am told by my agency that my files are marked, “under review.”
I ache to have approval and match with my child. I struggle to not be jealous when I see other families post on our private FB group, “…after 6 weeks we have approval!” or “We only waited four days!” This is so challenging for my heart to accept because here I am, waiting 20+ weeks, there are friends who have waited twice as long. According to my agency, there’s no rhyme or reason to why India approves some families before others. They definitely do not approve in the order that files are received!
As I lay in bed the other night, Christmas eve, I couldn’t help but ask God, “why?” Why do so many families have to wait and wait and wait? Why would India take so long to approve families, when India is reported to have the highest number of orphans/needy children in the world?! There are so many families waiting, and stuck in their process until after approval. Why couldn’t He give me my prayer of knowing who my kiddo is by Christmas? When I was registered in the beginning of August that prayer seemed more than long enough. … Just all the WHYS?!
As I laid there, the Lords gentle whispers filled my aching heart. “Maybe India takes so long because they truly care about My children. Maybe they are working for your story in ways you aren’t meant to ever understand. etc.” I couldn’t help but ponder the answer to this question I was hearing, “Are you truly giving your cares to Me? Do you trust me? Do you love me? Do you know that My ways are perfect?”
I began to be filled with these scripture passages:
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
1 Thesalonians 5:16-18
When was the last time that I thanked God for the period of waiting? When was the last time I saw this time as a time to grow closer to Him and His direction in my life? This adoption journey is hard, friends. It is exhausting. It is crazy busy. And honestly, sometimes the silence is deafening. But none of that means this time of trial and waiting is bad. Actually, the more I prayed about it, the more I could see God blessing it.
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord,whose confidence is in him.They will be like a tree planted by the waterthat sends out its roots by the stream.It does not fear when heat comes;its leaves are always green.It has no worries in a year of droughtand never fails to bear fruit.Jeremiah 17:7-8
Why do I so easily become discouraged when the “heat” comes? Why do I allow my heart to listen and react to the voice of deceit and evil? Satan despises adoption! If you don’t believe me, ask your friends/family who have adopted, how often there were hurdles and road blocks. But also ask them how many ways the blocks were suddenly obliterated! God has shown up time and again in my journey. I need to commit to my memory these moments of great blessing, for when these times of waiting and trial come. Approval will not be the end of waiting.
After matching with a child, it will be nothing but waiting. Waiting for match. Waiting for documents to come in. Waiting on court to happen. Waiting for notice of travel dates. etc. I just keep praying that I can know a name, a face, a story…to help me focus on my child during the wait. To know they are mine and I am theirs. After nearly two years, we are so close!
As we journey through this Christmas season, will you pray with me that the hearts of those who are reviewing my files will be moved? Pray that I may finally be able to know and see my child’s face. My heart aches with such deep and profound love for this child I have never met! I long for them to know they have been chosen. I yearn for the day when I can go back to India, and meet my child for the first time!
Thank you for following this journey! Although I have been quiet recently, know that I appreciate all of your love and support throughout the past two years! I cannot wait to do a post announcing approval and match! God bless you +
A mamma who continues to wait.